Saturday, May 16, 2015

Game Review - Microsoft Jackpot (2014, Windows 8)

You know how everybody's favorite gameplay mechanics are the ones that are totally random?  Have you ever wondered how epic a game consisting entirely of random elements could be?

Well, friend, you need not wonder any more - Microsoft Jackpot is the "game" that will fulfill all your mildest dreams!

I'm not going to beat around the bush on this one.  Microsoft Jackpot is a slot machine simulator.  That's it.  Unless you're looking for an outlet for your gambling addiction, there's absolutely no reason for you to "play" this "game."

But that's no fun...  Instead, let's talk about features: You can unlock five different skins for your slot machine, including one that resembles a spy thriller and one that turns the slots into a candy factory.  Talk about purely aesthetic value!

The "Year of the Dragon" skin. Note the convenient "autoplay" so you don't even have to push "Spin" to keep "playing!"

How do you unlock these superficially different machines?  By spending imaginary money, of course!  Your in-game "experience level" seems to be completely determined by the total bets you've made, and as it increases, you'll get access to the new machines and higher bet amounts.  The more you sink into this "game," the more you'll be able to spend on a single spin of the slots.

You may be thinking, "this game already sounds amazing; sign me up!"  Well, hold on to your butts because there is even more!

If you're lucky, each of the slot machine skins will randomly send you to a unique interactive minigame.  You'll get things like "pick a gem" or "choose a bubble."  Even better, these minigames are usually rigged against you, just like real-life slot machines!  It really is the full gambling experience right in your very own home!

Click a gem...
...and choose a bubble!
Now, you may have noticed a startling omission in my description of this "game."  How do you get more coins to keep playing when you run out?

It's simple, friend - you purchase some with real cash money!  Alternatively, you can watch a commercial once every half hour, but then you may run out of coins and be forced to stop while you wait for your next advertisement.  Definitely not a good way to "play."

They even point out the transaction that gives you the most for you hundred and fifty dollars.  How helpful!
You can also get "lucky clovers" from the Jackpot Store.  As far as I can tell, those clovers bestow the most marginal of benefits, but every tenth of a percent helps, right?

 Seriously, that's it.  Watch commercials (or spend real-life monies) so you can click on things that provide totally random outcomes regardless your input.  It's insulting to call this a "game."

My Rating: 0/10 - totally worthless.

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